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Curbishley Dismayed to Discover 3 New Signings are Fresh Corpses

Chief Sports Writer - Billy Ray

 

Beleaguered, baby eyed West Ham manager Alan Curbishley took another step toward the exit door yesterday after it emerged that 3 of his 4 new summer signings are stiffs.

Desperate times are set to continue at the Hammers as manager Alan Curbishley conceded he'd watched videos of the three men before the end of last season, but was unaware of their critical situations before bringing in 18 year-old Michael Spinks (plane crash), 27 year-old Spaniard Dani Gollaza (gored by a bull), and 36 year-old Ukranian keeper Andriy Kolashnik (enemy gunfire).

"Obviously they've got straight onto the treatment table, and the physios and backroom staff are working overtime to get at least two of them ready for the start of the season. We've brought in a couple of extra scientists and a priest to try and speed up their rehab. I had no idea to be honest. Spinks in particular we have high hopes of resurrecting to fill the Kieron Dyer role as there's no chance of Kieron playing this year, or next year for that matter."

Members of the board were understood to be less impressed with Curbishley's activities in the transfer market, with one unnamed figure foaming at the mouth over this latest bungle "I cant fucking believe he's bought three corpses for £45 million! Ljungerg, Dyer, Ashton and now this lot, he's got 5 games or he's out. I want these new arrivals gone before they start stinking up the place. Get 'Arry on the phone, tell him Gollaza's got an African passport, he'll bite our fucking hands off"

Derby manager Paul Jewell was also furious with the news and particularly scathing in his criticism of Curbishley. Speaking exclusively to Mingeford365 about his sides failed attempt to land keeper Kolashnik Jewell raged "They did the same thing to us last year, waited until we announced we after a winger and went in and overbid us. Lets not mince words, Curbishley's a fucking clown. We'd been tracking Kolashnik all summer, even when he went to war we managed to keep in radio contact with him, and were hoping he'd come home and go straight into the side. After we got the news he'd perished in an ambush we lowered the bid and promised his family we'd get him fit for the start of the season. I am fucking seething."

It appears to be the final straw for many West Ham fans, a few did queue up to get the latest arrivals names on the new home shirt yesterday, but the general feeling around the ground is one of foreboding macabric doom. One young fan summed up the unease of approaching dark clouds by exclaiming, "I'm fucking shitting myself to be honest, you don't want to go fucking about with the spirit world, not this close to the start of the fucking season. Fucks sake."

 

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